I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
