I just pynch a tree in the face
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
even my farts smell like vagina
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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