I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Houston, we have a squirter
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
