I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The feeling are messing with the penis
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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