i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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