my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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