I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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