so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
