I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
