he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
