chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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