just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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