Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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