I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I need to calm my uterus...
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
