Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Even my vagina gasped.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
These tits shall not be calmed
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
