New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
