i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
