Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
