I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
