high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
