Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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