Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
