so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
the liver wants what the liver wants
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
