We're like a lot better than the average bears
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
