i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i need an iv and a liver transplant
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
