Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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