This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
