how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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