Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
this boner is exhausting
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
