her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I didn't notice because vodka
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
