i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
