Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
