the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
