Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
