I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
