You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
