But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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