I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
