fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
