I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
