i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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