i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
What did we do last night that was yellow?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you didnt know i had herpes?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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