I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
