I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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