You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
