i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
