The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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