Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
