It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
