Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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