how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't turn off my feet"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
