I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
