I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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