In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
